Why Christmas Break Amplifies Digital Harm
Here's how to avoid problems at Grandma’s house.
I hope 2024 is the year I break the streak.
During the past two Christmas breaks, I’ve received an emergency phone call from a family in my small, rural community because their son was being sextorted. We walked through exactly what to do, what evidence to keep, and how to extract themselves from a terrifying situation.
And although this is one of my favorite times of the year, when kids are home for break, more digital problems pop up. It’s because the holidays create a unique set of circumstances that can harm amazing young brains when combined with 100M choices in their pocket. This isn’t a slam on our kids. Honestly, it’s not their fault. The 14-year-old version of you would have preferred Brawl Stars over a boring Christmas movie with your parents, too.
So, along with gifts under the tree, three unique circumstances also show up during this time of year:
New places - we visit new homes. Each with different digital rules (if any).
New people - we spend time with friends and relatives we haven’t seen in a while.
New patterns - we have different rhythms, rules, and routines.
To keep these risks in check, we do new things to prepare and protect our families over the next couple of weeks.
New Places Create Digital Risk
Do you remember going to your Aunt Margaret’s house? Or the traditional Christmas Day gathering at Great Grandma’s house with 25 distant cousins you only saw this one time a year (before social media)? I’m sure you remember the smells from those visit. I do.
When we visit the homes of friends and relatives, it’s important to understand the digital landscape of those homes before we get there. We do this by expressing curious concern about the digital rules that will be in place during the visit if there are kids.
“Curious concern” can look like:
“I’m kinda nervous about technology. Can I ask a few questions before we come over? Is that okay?”
“My kids won’t have their phones with them. Just so I know what to expect, how will devices be handled for other kids while we’re together?”
“Have you ever filtered your WiFi? That’s another spot where we’re careful.”
It’s not easy asking questions like these because we’re afraid they might feel judged and respond with hostility. But that’s where your tone and approach are so important. The goal is to communicate concern and not condemnation. And these aren’t questions you send with a text message. The only way to convey “curious concern” is for them to hear your voice.
“But Chris, what if they say, “Kids can keep devices,” or, “I don’t even know where our router is!””
We can’t help them with the second one. But for the first one, keep asking gentle, curious questions. Press on with, “Maybe they can keep their devices in a central spot, like a tech box. Would it be okay if I brought one?” From there, it gets a bit tough to script - they’ll either agree or disagree. If they aren’t open to the idea, you’ll have to control what you can with your kids. Which leads us to…
New People Create Digital Risk
We tend to see a lot of people during the holidays who we don’t see often. This includes cousins who want to catch up so it’s important to prepare our kids for what that might look like. Unlike my Gen. X childhood, they don’t pass around MAD Magazine or huddle around the one, public Gateway computer to play a racing game. Their portable supercomputer brings slightly elevated risks.
We share four super practical tips with parents when their kids visit a friend’s house. And the same principles apply over the holidays so we’ve included them here. The bottom line is we are “careful with cousins.”
So, before we visit:
Whenever someone has something on a tablet or phone and they try to show it to your kid, tell your kid to say, “Wait - what is it? What are you trying to show me?” Have them interrupt the transaction and engage in that way.
Tell them to pay attention to their feelings. If something feels a little weird then it probably is. Tell them to pay attention to your gut. That little funny feeling in their belly. It’s a superpower and I want them to pay attention to it!
And when that signal goes up, we give them specific next steps - put it down and tell someone. Physically remove yourself from the situation.
And last, we practice, practice, practice. Actually do those things with your child. Try to show them something and have them ask, “What do you want to show me.” Have them pretend to put a screen down and walk over and tell you, “Hey, I saw something.” Make it concrete for that amazing, developing brain.
Then, AFTER we get home, the 1-3 days after visiting relatives is a “post-holiday danger zone” for “I’m curious” internet searches. Why? Because kids who haven’t seen each other for a long time talk a lot! Especially if there are older cousins who sometimes say older cousin things.
This can weaponize childhood curiosity. Just like the story a father told me recently about what happened after they returned home from Thanksgiving. His son Googled words he heard at the family gathering, and it led to his son seeing pornography. The father felt terrible because this could have been prevented if the WiFi had been filtered.
So after we get home:
Keep devices out in the light! Only used in public places and with you close by. Avoid bedrooms. Corners. Avoid night. Be present! Whether you’re 4, 14, or 40, we tend to make better choices when others are involved.
Prevent Incognito mode! We don’t want kids to erase their search history on tablets, computers, and Chromebooks. If you need instructions for preventing incognito (also called “private browsing”), download our instructional PDF.
Use a router that PREVENTS curious searches for new, inappropriate words in the first place! A good router with controls also shuts off the internet at night and preserves search history. As we often say, your router might be the most important digital device in your home!
New Patterns Create Digital Risk
During the school year, weekday bedtimes are mostly regular and predictable. But, holiday bedtimes are typically looser – kids stay up, enjoying cozy time with TV, video games, and (hopefully) time with family.
We focus heavily on controlling internet access at night all year, but especially over breaks. Because in our experience, internet temptations are magnified at night. In quiet, dark moments, kids are more apt to click, share, or do things they might not do during the day. Darkness rules the web at night because whether you’re 14 or 40, you can rationalize anything online at midnight.
We call this “The Toxic Trio” – where BEDROOMS + BOREDOM + DARKNESS, along with internet access = increased digital risk.
This means we shut off access to most apps after a certain time of night, leaving just talk and text available for emergencies (our device guides show you how). We also gather all smart devices into one place at night and charge them together (including yours, Mom, and Dad). Because every sextortion case I’ve worked on over the last couple of years, including over breaks, has had a “bedrooms” and “nighttime” component. Parents, your homework includes taking a deep dive into our detailed post about sextortion, where you’ll learn how to prevent it, and what 10 things to do if it happens.
Remember, blocking internet and social media access at night might be the most significant step you take to decrease digital risk over break.
Start the Break With a Gentle Reminder
I hope this post is helpful and practical. And one last tip. Something that lays a foundation of Digital Trust before places, people, and patterns change.
**Remind them you’re a safe spot to land.**
With your teen son, that might look like:
“Hey, sextortion is a real thing. I’ve read about it. Over breaks, the phishing and fake accounts ramp up because the bad people know amazing guys like you are online more. Maybe bored. Maybe curious. Be careful. And in the middle of the night, if you’re in crisis, you can safely come to me. Tell me you’ll come to me.”
With your younger kids, remind them they can tell you anything.
“You’ll never freak me out and you’ll never be in trouble for sharing something scary or nervous with me.”
These are the types of gentle statements I want them to hear so often they’re rolling their eyes and finishing your sentences.
Enjoy your break.
It was similar when I was young, but my screens were video games (not the online kind), television and the desktop computer. My screens were more regulated. I could also call on friends down the street, and chill in their rooms talking or play a new boardgame that they had for Christmas.
I really appreciate your hard work in creating content like this, helping parents to not feel overwhelmed or afraid of what we are up against, but empowered.