ADOLESCENCE and The Crisis of Boys

A 4-part Netflix miniseries tells a complicated story. Everyone is to blame.

ADOLESCENCE is a 4-part Netflix miniseries. Here are my thoughts with only a few, mild spoilers.

I highly recommend that parents watch Adolescence. If you wonder whether your son or daughter should watch it with you, please preview it first. Although the protagonist is a young teen boy (Jamie), the show navigates deeply intense, adult themes.

And that’s what makes it so relevant.

Because too many of our children are confronted with deeply intense, adult themes daily on the devices we’ve given them. This includes the school-issued devices where they’re supposed to be learning (see the Common Sense Media report).

Their digital spaces don’t treat them like kids. And, like Jamie’s parents in Adolescence, adults are often woefully ignorant of the content their children consume. When I talk to parents, many feel outmatched by god-like tech that’s beyond their comprehension or ability to control.

This doesn’t allow parents to check out. In the digital age, part of the gig now requires parents to be ridiculously direct, engaged, informed, involved, diligent, and persistent.

Jamie’s parents weren’t these things.

One of the most gripping aspects of the series is the mirror it gives us into the crisis of boys. Other shows about teens and tech often tell us what we already know, that “for a young girl, the internet can be a confidence-wrecking—if not an actively dangerous—place.” (The New Yorker)

But what if the issues facing boys today are even more complicated and less measurable?

I’ve been reading Subreddits about the show. Some Gen. Z and Millennial men were left completely shaken by the series. While growing up, they, too, felt the shame of rejection and inadequacy with girls. One said this:

The reason why it hit so hard is that Jamie could have been me. Or any of my friends…

Girls weren't interested in us, a few of my friends actually got a bit rudely rejected.

I keep thinking about how different our teenagehood might have been it we had such bad influences and role models like kids have today. We all became well adjusted adults but I wonder what could have gone different if the same happened to us now but we were getting influenced by idiots like Andrew Tate and others…

Only a few experts are starting to grapple with what often doesn’t show up on mental health graphs – the struggle of today’s boys, “who are now faring worse than their female peers both academically and socially.”

The reasons for these trends are complicated. Part porn. Part parenting. Part adults abdicating their role. Part enticing digital realms to conquer (games). Part AI chatbots without fear of rejection. Part Tate brothers. Part smartphones. Part social media. And although social media alone wasn’t to blame for Jamie’s actions, it certainly wasn’t a salve for his heart. Instagram acted more like a sinister accelerant for his vulnerabilities.

It’s that way for too many of our amazing young people.

Unfortunately, Adolescence doesn’t solve this boyhood puzzle. But, as a father to three teen sons, I was left highly motivated to press into their lives and continue trying to be the father they need.

So, what are we to do? I found a good list of takeaways specific to the show and raising teens from Nanny Laura Amies, which I’ve adapted with a few PYE perspectives:

• (If you’ve already given your child a smartphone and/or social media) Under no uncertain terms, parents must check their teenager’s phone and internet usage. This includes having a router that detects a burner device at night (like ours).

• If you’re waiting to give your child a smartphone and social media, hold the line. There’s no science saying waiting harms kids. #delayistheway

• Be careful with today’s video games. They are like an intoxicating Siren to some boys’ brains. Remember, everything at school is boring compared to Fortnite and Brawl Stars.

• Parents must continue to place boundaries around their teenager’s behaviors, routines, and habits. This means almost zero technology in bedrooms. There’s a powerful exchange between Jamie's parents in one of the episodes where his father asks a haunting set of questions: “But he was in his room, wasn’t he? We thought he was safe, didn’t we? What harm can he do in there?”

• Parents must be resilient to their mood swings. That means keeping anger in check and staying calm. Our anger never compels our children to become a better version of themselves (explained more in this Instagram post).

• Parents must use long-term parenting approaches. This is tough because technology (dopamine) makes kids happy. But happy kids aren’t the goal.

• Parents must seek out information and truly understand the impacts of smartphones on developing brains. This is a unique developmental phase.

• Parents must still prioritize essential activities like sleep, routines, fresh air, one-to-one interaction, walks, adventure, meals, etc., with their teens. These are all vitally important for hormonal, developing adolescents.

Teenagers, no matter how grown up they appear, still require a high level of parenting. That includes our sons. Don’t throw in the towel. Keep showing up and dig in! Our teens still need us.